Penguin Girl

We know I tend to have multiple projects going on all the time, reading, fibrey stuff, client work, etc.

What I’ve not yet spoken too much about is that I keep many journals. I wanted to take some photos but alas it is too nasty and grey today, nor did I have the time to draft this as detailed as I originally planned.

They are more numerous than the laptops though I have, though I have attempted to condense [the journals, not the laptops].

I have a pretty fancy one for those “deep, intense, private thoughts”. I would love to replace it with a nice traditional refillable book with a cover I really like and think would age perfectly. I have yet to find that so I’ll keep my current setup. I’m open to links of suggestion (beyond Levenger, I like but think they are overpriced for the mass-produced quality).

I have a composition book which holds news clippings and some scribbles of thoughts on them.

I have two knitting journals. One is more a scrapbook which holds swatches, ball bands, and whatever else I paste and scribble in. The other is a large red grid that holds my notes and checklist for counting rows and stuff of that sort.

When I was younger I kept a running log. I also kept a quotes book. The quotes book I destroyed (a few times actually) and I regret that as I just wrote in the quotes as I came across them and found it fascinating how my perceptions and thoughts were changing based upon my learning.

When we travel I carry a moleskine (not that I’m going anywhere any time soon).

These are only the tangible ones beyond what is stored in binary on my various harddisks. I prefer both mediums, sometimes I want to type my thoughts out, sometimes pen and paper suit me best.

I’ve struggled to write today’s post. There are several topics I wish to write about, but none are quite progressing how I wish. A passing comment from a few months ago has been bouncing around my head these past few days.

It was a comment on how I took a seemingly unrelated group of material and found a common thread and united them.

I often feel that my interests here on Penguin Girl seem equally unrelated and overly scattered. Yes, I write a good deal about books and fibre, but am not sure if I’ve (pardon) yet found that underlying thread that unites them all. As I begin to approach a life milestone (it’s still well over a year out) and may soon face some forks in the road, I feel the need to find that connector.

I expect that my writing here may begin to reflect upon those various areas of which I am currently involved and evaluate and then reevaluate if I am where I wish to be and how to console myself when I find I am not. I am not sure how personal I’ll get. I hope that I’ll be able to maintain a degree of separation and find ways to make the process I’m taking useful for others.

My journal writing is often stream of consciousness which I’ve often likened to river rapids which twist and turn and churn every which way and eventually straighten out to calmness. I tend to write in bursts and then do not reread what I’ve written for months or years. It definitely makes editing and revisions difficult.

I think I’ve found a new journal “prompt” in finding common threads…

At first I wondered how to write today’s post. I planned to write on the contrast of “old penny to new penny”. For much of my life, anything that has a deadline (written projects, proposals, knitting), basically I’ve done everything except being born* under intense deadline and while procrastinating as much as I can. My husband does not quite understand procrastination. We’re both currently in school (part time) going for more alphabet soup to attach to our names. He often completes his assignments early so he can work on every and anything else. Last year, my first year in the program, I had considerable writing obligations but still left the bulk of the major projects to the last minute. In the spring term I ended up with very late nights (almost all nighters) and I’m too old for it. The recovery time was substantial, I didn’t enjoy it and the projects suffered as a result. I’ve been determined this term not to do that.

For the most part I have succeeded. One instructor asked for the weekly written assignments to be electronically submitted by noon the day of class or by paper in class (six hours later). I submitted every single assignment electronically by the deadline. Most were submitted by 11pm the evening before. The presentations for the final projects in this course began last week and continue on the last class this Tuesday evening. I actually volunteered to go first. My preparations for the presentation were a little procrastinated but I volunteered in order to complete as much work as I could so I could have some feedback and additional time to work on the paper for this course and the other one I’m taking.

I have spent much of Saturday evening finalizing the edits to the paper. It is due Tuesday. Thus, I have the bulk of it written and edited several days in advance. There is a second component to it which does need additional work, but the key pieces are in place. Early. This is strange.

Let me jump a bit to clarify the next bit of the story.

I haven’t written much here about what I do to pay the bills. I am a teacher by genetics, a geek and computer scientist by undergraduate major; a writer, musician, and cognitive scientist by fantasy (one of them is coming true). Attached to one hat I wear is a fancy title which in essence means that I need to be the expert and boss in every and anything dealing with technology. It is a field that has grown exponentially in the past five years, especially for the specific industry in which I work. I also have a very small “technology consulting company” which is still figuring out exactly what it (and I) want to do when we grow up, right now we’re focusing on teaching. Across various gigs I have done my fair share (over a decade’s worth at this point) of tech support.

What is one of the largest most important mantras to follow? (It’s also one I wrote about in this project!)

Backup. Backup. Backup. (aka Save. Save. Save.)

I recall hitting save and even closing Word (to write the file completely to disk) [it’s an evil program, but I needed to do things only it can do] several times during the evening.

As I pressed save in preperation to send my final edits to this draft to my editor (my wonderful husband), the program crashed.

Words which I do not wish to memorialise were uttered. I started at disbelieve at the crash screen. I was pissed, to say the least.

I stood, walked across the room and somewhat calmly asked my husband to copy any autosave files he could because I was going to go cry for a while.

He looked at me as if I were successfully speaking Czech and continued his coding (for fun, he’s going for an MBA. You can find some of his projects at his site).

I went into the bedroom and laid face-down on the bed stretching and wanting to both scream and cry. I have recently taken out books and DVDs on Pilates. I need to work on my strength and flexibility. After counting to 10 I went into the kitchen to do what most people would do in this situation, though possibly with a different substance.

Last night it saved several lives, of people and computers.

I poured myself a shot of Slivovitz. We’re not large drinkers in this house so my options were pretty limited (having used the last of the wine for havdalah). I probably would’ve poured a shot of pure wheat-gluten at that point, I did contemplate drinking from the bottle. I did some additional stretches at the counter, counted to 42 (the answer to everything), walked back to my desk and sat back down.

I copied (twice) all the auto-backup files Word created in the past 24 hours. I opened the one with the latest modification time and realized that 100% of my contextual changes were there, I was missing only a few formatting changes. I fixed those, saved it, and created about thirty backups.

This is not the first time I have lost a paper for me by not following simple mantras and common sense. This is one of the smallest papers I’ve lost and with the most potential recovery time. The worst was during undergrad. I was using a version control system and I blew away my master directory at 3am one morning. This, by contrast, was not a long document, about 4200 words, but I had made significant edits. Additionally, I believe this paper is laying the groundwork for my final masters thesis and my own business model. So it’s important. to loose those changes was the kick I both needed and dreaded. I expect some of you will begin to hear more of it in drips and drabs as I need advice and testing on parts of it. Right now it’s an ugly swatch and needs more refinement until I show anyone.

Ok. It’s December, how was your November? Did you do nanowrimo? I have a confession to make. I didn’t tell you the truth. I really did do it. I was scared I’d fail if I told anyone in advance. I didn’t. I came no where close to failing (I finished on Thursday, and yes there are trillions of backups). I think that this year I actually have a plot of sorts. I’m not sure how readable and interesting the plot is and no, you can’t see it now, but suffice it to say it involves journals, women, space [travel, new planets], and the environment.

I think overall I had a productive November. Few of my projects are disastrously far behind, among other things I launched a successful project for a client, I wrote over 50,000 words, and I didn’t loose much sleep for any of this.

* I was born about 3 months early, I guess since I didn’t procrastinate THAT I’ve spent the rest of my life catching up on the procrastination. ;)

Once again this is not the post I thought I’d write, last week or this.. several things came up today which prevented me from finishing what I had planned. The best laid plans of mice and men….

Today I’ll attempt to write a little more on Montgomery’s journals. I don’t think I’ll even come near to doing them justice. My head is swimming from various directions and paths to take. Thank you for being my test subjects as I sort this all out.

One of the most fascinating aspects of L. M. Montgomery’s journals is that she introduces the individuals she writes about. I find this fascinating and for a while in each new volume I did this as well (I only discovered that she did it in the past month). Now, I don’t really. Maybe it would do better for my character development if I tried it again.

But one thing, which Anne speaks about to Gilbert in Anne of Avonlea (more on that tomorrow) is after Gilbert asks her what is wrong,

“Nothing very dreadful. I was just trying to write out some of my thoughts, as Professor Hamilton advised me, but I couldn’t get them to please me. They seem to still and foolish directly they’re written down on white paper with black ink. Fancies are like shadows… you can’t cage them… perhaps I’ll learn the secret some day if I keep trying…” (p 70 in my copy; fourth paragraph in “the pointing of duty”)

Anne, while you are but 17 when you speak these words, are you sure you aren’t a decade older? Perhaps it is when I see how silly some of my frustrations are when I write them out. Or how I often make mountains out of a few grains of sand, that seeing how silly they are helps me keep in touch with some sort of reality. I guess.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep trying to carve out minutes to write. I’m not sure yet if I’ll do nanowrimo. I have a very busy November ahead of me, and if I can’t shake this sinus/head cold thing I’m going to be very very miserable.

To those of you with long hair who might be able to help me puzzle this out. One of my fibro “trigger points” is a knot on my left shoulder a short bit from the base of my neck. However, I also keep my hair in a low bun and sleep like that. Do you think the current knot is a fibro-flare-up or from my hair? While no one but E sees it these days, I don’t want to cut it unless I have a good need. Thoughts? Suggestions? I’ve worn my hair “down” the past few nights and it hasn’t helped but… thought i’d ask.

Why write? It is a question I often struggle with. Why do I keep up this site? (I honestly have no idea). Why do I write in my journals? (see answer above) Do I want to be famous? No. At one point in my life I did. I thought it would be great to have my name in every library. Now I attempt to fulfill that goal, as a patron. ;)

But why do I continue to write? I guess for me. There is so much going on each and every day that by taking a few moments to sit and write, it is for me. I try to have a conversation with the the words I write and try to understand both what is happening to me and attempt to have some understanding of what is happening in the world beyond me and my little circle. I try to write out my frustrations, my hurts, my disappointments; not so much for preservation of those memories but so I can perhaps attempt to understand and to let off steam so I don’t endanger close personal relationships.

I do fear that someone may come across my journals and misunderstand or misinterpret what is written there. I struggle with the question of if I should shred them and when. I do like to return to them and see if there is growth.

Lately I’ve been disappointed in my search for growth. I feel that I have been frozen in a rut for the past decade. There hasn’t been the growth or maturity I’d expect or desire in many situations. Many of my entries sound the same today as they did that first year of college.

I’ve written here before that I like to read other women’s journals– I’ve read Marie Bashkirtseff’s (the first volume) in its entirety, and I’m slowly making my way through Nin, Woolf, and Montgomery. I’m saddened when I read entires by Bashkirtseff or Montgomery at age fifteen and they are similar to those I write today in my late twenties.

However, I might find solace and hope in what Virginia Woolf wrote at 34 on 20 April 1919:

“What sort of diary should I like mine to be?

Something loose knit and yet not slovenly …

I should like it to resemble some deep old desk, or capacious hold-all, in which one flings a mass of odds and ends without looking. I should like to come back, after a year or two, and find that the collection had sorted itself—into a mould, transparent enough to reflect the light of our life.”

That sounds about right.

~

Sources:

1. Johnson, Alexandra. Leaving a Trace: On Keeping a Journal. Little, Brown and Company: Boston. 2001. See also Reading Group Guide.
2. Rubio, Mary and Elizabeth Waterston (eds) The Selected Journals of L. M. Montgomery: Volume I: 1889-1910. Oxford University Press: Toronto. 1985.
3. Taylor, Irene and Alan. The Assassin’s Cloak: An Anthology of the World’s Greatest Diarists Canongate U.S.: 2002. page 202. See also google books.
4. Woolf, Virginia. A Writer’s Diary. Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc: New York. 1953.